It's easy to not write. It's easy to not do much when there is no structure. I work one day a week at probably the coolest science museum in the world. The rest of my time...slips away. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know how to figure out what I am doing. This is a painful and awkward thing to do-to sit in front of the reflective pool that is your life and try to make sense of it, try to make it coherent and easy to understand for yourself and then to attempt to package it up into a consumable for others to gaze down on and gauge relative to others.
I don't even know if I want to be here, in Oakland. What is there here for me? Lifestyle is so much of your life and location is so much of your lifestyle. It is where you are sometimes. Sometimes where you are establishes your limits, sets boundaries and paints the background, providing context for the rest of your life. Maybe that's too far out of proportion but I knew when I was at the ranch that even if the work was wretched, i was in the middle of a certain kind of paradise and I could always fall back on that, could always rest with that, breath deep and take it in.
Now I'm left with myself most of the day. In a dingy house with a dirty backyard and a steady chill seeping through all the cracks, I have myself alone, and it makes me nervous. There is plenty to do every day, I mean, I'm always doing something, i'm just filling my day with minutia and finding it difficult to be interested or excited by anything.
This is why I need a science blog. Maybe it won't always be about science. I need direction. I need something and I know that writing has always been a soothing practice for me. It's easy when there are no expectations and when I know nobody is going to read it. Still, it's good to write and to practice writing every day or most days. Blog format makes it easy. I think this could be the start of something good for me. Warning you though, this may be the only post I ever do. Life is so complicated.